Personal essays
On not being a schmuck.
Conversations
I took a river cruise up the Brisbane river to the Koala preserve.
When I climbed the stairs to find a seat I saw two guys around my age wearing rugby themed shirts. One was pink and one had a rainbow of Maple Leafs across the back. Oh, they’re definitely here for the same tournament I am.
I went over and said hello.
I’ve noticed I have a lot of stories like that lately. I didn’t used to walk up to strangers and chat with them. In fact, it used to embarrass me that my mom did that all the time.
Anyway, the two guys founded the Ottowa teams (men and women) and were here to support them. We chatted briefly and I moved on. Nice guys, nice encounter, and I felt better.
I turned and spotted an empty seat and asked the woman sitting in the next seat over if she was saving it for anyone. No, she wasn’t. She was here from Colorado. She used to live (I don’t remember what she said) and now lives in Colorado Springs. We talked briefly about mountains, as one does with someone from Colorado, and then I returned to my tea and breakfast sandwich.
One of the older women in front of me stood to take a picture of the other older woman. The subject of the picture flipped off the first woman who rolled her eyes but took the picture anyway.
“Excuse me,” I said to the first woman, “would you like me to take one of the two of you?”
She passed me her phone and sat next to her friend.
“No flipping me off,” I said to the friend and got the biggest smiles that made a perfect picture.
Throughout the rest of the journey and indeed during my time in the Koala preserve, I kept seeing these people for quick mini-encounters. None lasted long and I’ll never see any of them again.
Longevity
I’ve been listening to Zeke Emanuel’s book “Eat Your Ice Cream” and he talks about the importance of these kind of fleeting relationships and also deep friendships. We benefit from both.
His book is about living healthier lives. Sure he has chapters on food, exercise, and sleep - but before he gets to those he talks about three important topics. This was Chapter Two: “Talk to people: Cultivating family, friends, and other social relations”.
“Wait a minute,” you say, “you always tell us that you’re an introvert.”
I am. Crowds sap my energy. But individual exchanges turn out to be good for me. I love my long term friends and, to my surprise, these fly-by relationships.
Creating a new best friend is hard and takes many hours of work over time. Zeke gave the metrics and it shows why it’s so hard to create new friends outside of work as an adult. I suppose I’m starting to make friends with some of the people I see at the gym but it’s not to the point of best friends.
Schmucky behavior
I guess we’ve come to the point where I again use an initial to stand in for inappropriate language. I’ve talked about f’s to give and s’ happens. Chapter One of Zeke’s book is “Don’t be a Schmuck.”
Somehow it sounds better in another language but it just means don’t be a d’.
The number one thing to do to living a healthier life is to avoid self-destructive risks.
This, of course, included smoking, vaping, and heavy drinking.
It also included certain contact sports that carry a risk of injury and concussion (sorry Maggie - Rugby was on the list).
What surprised me is that it also included two things that had direct impact on my life: not taking vaccines and distracted driving.
Ten years ago this past week, Kim was killed by a truck driver who took his eyes off the road to reach for his phone that had fallen off the seat onto the floor. Not only didn’t he see her, he swerved into her path.
Twenty years ago Elena died of a disease for which there is now a readily available vaccine. At the time it wasn’t commonly given and six months after she died it was only available to children over ten (so we vaccinated Maggie).
The distracted driver and the folks who don’t take vaccines endanger their own lives but they also endanger the lives of others.
I just saw a stat of the increasing number of counties in the US where so many people are avoiding measles vaccines that there is no longer herd immunity in that county.
It’s difficult in a country governed by schmucks to not be one yourself - but you’re strong and smart and I know that you can avoid being a d’.
Eat right, exercise, and get the sleep you need. Chapter three urges you to expand your mind and stay mentally sharp. Anyone who takes the time to read this is likely doing other things to stay mentally sharp.
And talk to people. Take time to talk to your old friend, reacquaint yourself with long-lost friends, and have those conversations in passing (without being creepy or a schmuck). They make us all feel better.
You’re not a schmuck. May you live a long and healthy life.
Essay from Dim Sum Thinking Newsletter 335. Read the rest of the Newsletter or subscribe