Personal essays
On not speaking louder to be heard.
Excuse me
I get off of long flights a little wobbly and disoriented.
In January I was walking from the plane to border control in the San Francisco airport when a man bumped me andran his suitcase hard into the back of my legs.
He was in a hurry and was trying to get around me.
I looked at him to see if he’d noticed.
“What?” he said to me challengingly.
“You ran into me,” I replied.
“You were weaving back and forth,” he said.
“We both just got off of an eighteen hour flight.”
“Well,” he answered before pushing ahead of me, “you should watch where you’re going.”
Honestly, I don’t know what to think of that encounter.
I wasn’t walking in a straight line and it was probably difficult to get around me.
But still - he ran into me - I felt owed an apology. His response indicated that he thought I owed him one.
Politeness
I was thinking about this Sunday as I walked from the plane to border control at O’Hare after a nine hour flight from London.
There was a family ahead of me walking very slowly because their young kids hadn’t woken up completely from the flight.
The family could have clustered more closely together. I had a tight connection and was in a hurry but I bided my time.
Eventually, the people walking beside them moved enough ahead that I could get around. I said, “excuse me” so that they knew I was there. They moved a bit to the center and I easily passed them.
The “excuse me” was like a turn signal. It let them know my intention. It doesn’t force them to react but it feels like common courtesy.
When I’m biking on a multi-purpose path I’ll call out “on your left” as I come up behind people walking.
This is basic courtesy - but also I need to watch out. Sometimes when you say “on your left” the people turn around and inadvertently wander to their left.
But, as I say, it’s on me to watch out. I’m coming up behind them.
Sigh. I really am getting old and crabby.
Whelmed
Sunday after making my way around the slow-walking family and getting through passport control and customs I made my way to the light rail that links the terminals at O’Hare.
The doors were about to close and a woman turned to me and said, “there’s room for one more.” There wasn’t enough room for her and her companion and their luggage but, as she’d said, there was just enough room for me and my bag.
I thanked her and got on just as the doors closed.
When we arrived at terminal three, the guy next to me waved vaguely at the door and said, “Excuse me”.
I moved to the side to let him by. My plan was then to slide into his spot out of everyone elses way.
“Get off the damn train,” an Englishman shouted at me. “Let everyone off and then get back on.”
I looked at him bewildered.
He decided the answer was to shout even louder, “Get off the damn train, you idiot. You’re in everyone’s way.”
He was, of course, right. I could and should have gotten off the train, let others off, then get back on. I actually do this quite often and naturally.
But I was tired and disoriented and it hadn’t occurred to me. I’d just thought to get out of the way from the first person who’d gently said, “Excuse me”.
There was something about being shouted at that caused me to just shut down. I couldn’t process what he was yelling at me.
I’m not sure why he thought shouting loudly would help - but it most definitely did not.
So
And, of course, that’s what this week’s essay is about. It’s not about the stress of travel.
It’s about considering the best way to get your point across and encourage someone else to do the thing that you need.
I suppose you could just run them over and blame them.
The people willing to trod on others to get what they want, do seem to get what they want.
I know there are arguments for karma evening things out, but I don’t have that sort of time and I don’t really believe it happens.
Anyway, it turns out that I’m grateful for the person who shouted at me.
It taught me in a way that I wouldn’t have otherwise understood that this doesn’t work.
You can’t get your point across by shouting.
I’m sure that sometimes it works - but mostly because the person being shouted at just wants to get away from the assault.
The louder he got, the less I understood him.
The more he repeated himself, the more my mind took me some place else.
I don’t know what the right way is to convince someone or encourage them to do something that will benefit both of us.
I know that it’s not shouting and I know that it’s really important we figure out what works soon or - as they say - it will be all over but the shouting.
Essay from Dim Sum Thinking Newsletter 322. Read the rest of the Newsletter or subscribe