Personal essays
A game of show not tell
Negativity
Junior year of college my roommate was smart, interesting, and had a wealth of interests.
He was also mean, sarcastic, and condescending.
Because he was almost never mean to me, the first set of characteristics masked the second set.
At one point both my sister and my father noted that I’d started to take on these negative traits and they both suggested that the reason was my roommate.
I don’t know why I listened to them - often when you’re mean, sarcastic, and condescending you don’t - but I did and I didn’t like what I saw. So I changed.
A few years later when I was living on my own in Shaker Square, two of my closest friends had the same basic personalities as my roommate from Junior year but this time I saw it for what it was.
I still enjoyed their company but I was more alert to the ways in which it might change me. After a while the negatives outweighed the positives and our friendship waned and disappeared.
I’ve noted that pattern many times since.
Condescending and sarcastic is not for me.
It is for many people. When the people around them are diminished, they feel elevated.
It’s an illusion.
Crying
Until Elena died I seldom cried at real life. But I often cried while reading books or watching movies.
I suppose I’m easily manipulated by them - but I would also cry at the Illuminations closing ceremonies for Epcot and that I can’t explain.
I teared up at several moments during the Democratic National Convention last week. Some moments, images, or phrases were just overhwelming for me.
I was watching alone from my couch. No, I was just sitting on my couch like a normal person. Not, …
I don’t know if I would have cried if I was watching with other people. I suspect I would have. I was just so moved.
I know that if I was at the convention surrounded by tens of thousands of people cheering as my dad was being nominated for Vice President, I’d certainly be in tears.
I can’t imagine that he or I would have been embarrassed by that.
I was glad to see neither Tim nor Gus Walz were.
Show
When members of the right attacked Gus for crying as his dad was accepting the nomination to run for Vice President I was offended.
When it came out that Gus has issues that could explain this behavior some took their posts down and others apologized for their.
They did so because it wasn’t a good look.
I have none of Gus’ issues so I suppose they would have left their posts up and unapologized for. They would have insisted my behavior was “weird” and showed I’m “not a real man.”
This party that has told us for years how important family values is to them, showing disdain for the love of a son for his father and a father for his son.
I guess what they’ve shown us about family values is consistent to what they’ve shown us about patriotism, Christianity, and the rule of law.
Maya Angelou famously did not say, “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”, she said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
We need to pay less attention to how someone tells us they behave and more attention to what they show us.
And watch out for people who are mean, sarcastic, and condescending.
Essay from Dim Sum Thinking Newsletter 231. Read the rest of the Newsletter or subscribe